Dreams

I went to sleep dreaming of being 7 stone last night... ahh, it was bliss. I was standing on the scales, looking down and the number just kept getting smaller and smaller. It was awesome.

But, back to reality :(

xox

Update

Hi

I managed to get away with not eating my cauliflower and broccoli today at lunch because no one was paying much attention to me- thank God! So today i've had 163 calories  (coffee, a kiwi and a kids-size apple) I'm pleased with that. I most certainly will not eat anything else tonight. I don't even feel like I want food, let alone feel hungry. It's great! This is the kind of mood I was in when I first started restricting, and I lost loads of weight really quickly then.

I keep track of everything on my iPhone, I have a fitness app that has a calorie diary. It keeps flashing warnings at me that i'm not eating enough calories. Just goes to show how much modern society believes that we need food aaaalll the time! We only need the bare minimum to survive. And I intend to keep it there.

Also, someone I work with said I looked really good today! I was so pleased! Until lunch time, when I saw myself in a mirror. I really, really hate myself.

I wish change would happen faster.

xox

Goals

I hope to lose another 5 lbs this week. It's difficult because I dont eat very much already, yet I struggle to lose the weight. I suppose there's always stopping a meal all together. I don't eat breakfast, I drink a lot of coffee. I'm having broccoli and cauliflower for lunch today but I won't eat it all. I think I'll make a rule- no eating after 7pm. Then, once I'm used to that, I'll change it to no eating after 6 pm.

I have birthday cake in the fridge. Gonna give it away so I'm not tempted.

Also

People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight, therefore they're asking how I'm doing it. I just sorta shrug it off and blame it on stress at work, but I don't know how long people are going to believe me.
It would terrify me if my partner noticed something was up, I don't want him to worry about me, because I'm fine and I will be fine. And if anyone ever suggests going to a doctor they can shove it!

Slow progress

So, I started dieting on the 14th of march. Then, I weighed 11stone. Ew! After 1 month, I had lost 17lbs and dropped down to 9 stone 11 lbs, and into uk size 10 clothes. I was so pleased with myself! But, of course, I ruined it. It was my birthday in May, so I drank and ate a LOT. went up to 10 stone 2 lbs. I cried so much when I stepped on the scales. I had put it off for so long, because I knew I had put on weight and I was so scared to face it. 10 stone 2 lbs. That's disgusting. By the way, I'm only 5 foot 3. So that makes it even worse.
So, I motivated myself and got back in the game! And I am pleased to announce that I'm back down to 9 stone 10 :) still, got a long way to go. I want to be as small as possible. I just feel so uncomfortable like this.

So, wish me luck.
Em xox

Where am I now?

Hi everyone


I feel I should explain a bit about me before I start blogging away...
My name is Em, i'm 22, female, and from the UK. I am struggling with my weight a lot, and I feel like all my problems would be solved if I were smaller. As though if I disappear, so will all the shit that floats around my head. I need control, because I can't control so much of my life, even though i'm an adult living in my own house with my Partner. I lack self esteem and confidence, even though I come across and loud and bubbly most of the time- that's not who I actually am. I restrict what I eat in order to feel some control over myself. I am not anorexic, and have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I have never even spoken to anyone about this before, let alone a doctor! I am not under weight, in fact i'm very much over weight (i'm 10stone, which makes me a COW, even though I recently lost over a stone!) I'm stuck in a limbo between self destruction and self acceptance- meaning sometimes I feel awesome about myself, and others... not so much. But that's not to say that i'm suicidal or morbid, or anything like that. Life is for living! 


Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. Be who you want to be. 


Em xox

Introduction

Hi, and welcome to my blog. This blog is intended to help me get things off my chest, and may contain material that some may find triggering.

I do not have many people that I feel I can openly talk to about some of the issues I have, therefore I feel a blog will help me to share the things in my head, and hopefully make me feel better.

I am not looking for sympathy or advice. Well, maybe sometimes advice, but if I want it i'll ask.
I will not be using my real name because, to put it honestly, I don't want my friends/family to know that this is my blog. I'm not ready to talk yet. So, for the purpose of this blog, I shall be known as Em.

I am pro-anorexia. My blog is about my life.